Have you ever wanted something so bad that you'd do......?
Anything.
July 5th of 2010 Marcos and I decided that we would try to have a baby. We had been married for a little over a year at the time and threw the "No kids for 3 years" ideas out the window. I don't know what it was, I just suddenly had this strong desire to be a mom. To care and provide for another being. The opportunity and responsibility of raising up a Godly child...I needed it!
Call me stupid, but I honestly thought that the first time we "did it" without any form of birth control would do the trick. Time and time again I hear of so many women getting pregnant "by accident", I figured since I'm doing it on purpose it was a slam dunk!
Just a week and some days from our 4 year anniversary of making the "lets have a baby" decision, I am yet to be a mommy. It hurts.
2 years into the process, I asked Marcos to get tested. All was well. Everything was functioning and swimming correctly. Oh gosh, it must be me...
After several test, exams, screenings, etc... indeed it is me. Unfortunately, I lack the hormone that creates mature eggs. It's been almost a year and a half of Clomid Treatment to help stimulate ovulation. No luck.
Being a Christian, I know what I'm "Supposed" to do...
1.) Have Faith
2.) Remain Positive
It's never THAT easy!
To have this unbelievably inner-depth desire to carry my own child, to nurse them with nutrients that God has so creatively and perfectly designed me to do...
Last year, this time I miscarried. I knew what it was, I knew exactly what was happening when I had these pains when I went to the bathroom. The emotions were an undeniable confirmation. But even a week later when I read the pregnancy test and saw that it was POSITIVE, I still have no child. Yeah, it was POSITIVELY a failure! I had the hormone in my body of being pregnant, but I had already miscarried. IT, yes IT, was gone.
A year later, here I am.
How can I miss somebody so much that I've never met?! Not just the one I miscarried, but the one that I've created in my mind. My daughter that has long, dark hair like me, and fair skin with light freckles like Marcos. My son who loves music like his dad and soccer like his mom. Them! I miss them so much!
I have the best support team behind me. My husband constantly reminds me to have faith. To believe and trust God's Will for our life. While it can be annoying from time to time, I know he says those things because he believes them and because he loves me. God knew exactly what He was doing when He placed Marcos in my life.
When I look at everything that God has done for me and continues to do in my life, I feel so guilty for losing faith. For having more focus on what I want rather than what He's already given me.
If I NEVER have a child...I WILL STILL LOVE HIM!
